The problem isn’t that you have nothing to wear, it’s that you don’t know who you want to be today. Your shirt colour says a lot without having to say much; after all, you’re far too busy for casual chit-chat.
Salmon Gone Bad
Forget what you’ve heard, salmon pink is for men; the manliest of whom wear it like they’ve caught it and forgot it. Reel in the ladies with this hue of not-quite-peach-not-quite-blush, but more like the canned salmon you just found lodged behind the stove. Salmon Gone Bad is neither pink nor red, leaving often wonder how you’re really doing, where the time has gone, and if it’s too late to start a cover band. The colour of this business casual shirt is best worn with a similar skin tone for the illusion that you’re not wearing a shirt at all. It’s always the summer of ‘69.
The alluring shade of ‘traffic pylon meets candy corn’ screams from a distance that you’re open-minded, prone to late-night wandering and splitting the bill. You don’t recall where you bought a custom tailored shirt in this colour, but you often joke that all it’s missing is reflectors - and then laugh alone. Your cousin borrowed it for his halloween costume as Chernobyl, which gave you the idea that the shirt could double as an emergency beacon during heavy snowfall.
The sun reflects off a pair of sunglasses worn by a pasty sailor in an aquamarine shirt - the one he always wears while on the water. The untucked shirt is business casual; the bluish tint of cerulean toned toward cyan makes him feel like Poseidon. This particular shirt hasn’t been washed in years, and while he says it’s a way to pay homage to the sea, the truth is, he doesn’t own enough colours to justify a full load. The rented sailboat looks to be taking on water, but he doesn’t panic, if only because of his midday Drambuie buzz. He wraps the shirt around his head and continues into the horizon.
Having a drink in the hotel bar with Santa - at least, the man who plays Santa at the Minneapolis mall - is almost enjoyable, because it’s like being spotted with a celebrity. It’s 2:00 in the afternoon, your schedule is flexible, and you’re wearing a custom tailored stain-resistant green dress shirt. You once read that green is the colour associated with wealth, so you tend to wear it most in December as a sort of subliminal message. Even as a grown man, you open cards from relatives expecting money to fall out. It’s been awhile since you’ve heard from most of them though. Leaning over to Mall Santa with a smirk, you ask for a green blazer for Christmas, “as if I won the PGA.” He moves to another chair and continues with his call. You think about your plans tonight; perhaps, you’ll buy another made to order shirt online, but in red, the colour of power.
You are one with the earth, in this dirt-coloured shirt. Brown represents solidity and grounding, natural and simple, just like you: a grizzled mountaineer battling conformity. Upon closer inspection, one might gather that the material is vegan-friendly and has a charming droop, like wet cardboard, when it rains. You would rather be home watching an episode of Survivor than crunching numbers for the twelfth hour. It’s not that you’re running in place, but the reality of the nearly insurmountable inertia you’ll have to overcome in order to live the life you truly want feels etched in your brain. Your brown shirt says: I’m not like the rest of you, I’ll escape this rat race one day.